An Open Letter to My Father

It's been almost a year since I confronted my father about the abuse.  It must be on my mind because I dreamt about confronting him in person just two nights ago.  He had this stupid smirk on his face. I wonder how'd he react today. Would I be able to see the truth in his eyes?

From: Amanda Clarke [mailto:ravergrll@hotmail.com] 
Sent: November-18-09 9:04 PM
Subject:

The time has come. 

Tell me, do you even have any idea the hell I've gone through? Really though, aren't you a wee bit curious as to why you haven't spoke to your daughter in over 7 years? No? 
Well let me tell u this:
I have been in therapy for over 1O years. Non stop. Weekly then bi weekly then weekly. Whatever I could afford. Thousands and thousands of dollars spent and thousands more I'm sure. I've seen 6 therapists and have had countless people work on me over the years and now at the age of 31 and after ending up at the psyciatric hospital, I'm now seeing a psychiatrist weekly at a trauma treatment cente in Toronto. I'm on antipsychotics, anti anxiety and anti depression meds. 

How about living in hell from body memories, rage, helplessness, intense grief, illness, body pain, debilitating insomnia, crippling fear, anxiety and depression. Suicidal, struggling with the hellish world of drugs, alcohol, addictions.
Binging and puking and doing it all over again. Not being able to eat, daily nausea., discugsting vile feelings...

I can't even begin to express the torment I have gone through bexause of you. Hundreds of journals I have written in, pictures I have drawn that depict years and years and years, of pain, suffering and self descruction. Where we you when I was puking my guts up in disgust? Where were you when I was an outpatient at the abbey lane hospital fighting my way through life? Trying to be intimate with a man? Forget about it. Flashbacks and more flashbacks. Did you think I would forget you coming into my room at night? Your sneaky, gross and manipulative ways! What the hell were you thinking? I was just a little girl. I just want to fucking vomit.

Did he or didn't he? Did he or didn't he?There is no running from this anymore. No more denying the truth.

For the first time in 20 years, I can now say my life is getting better. Talking about the abuse, being on medication is allowing me to have a somewhat normal life. And I have a wonderful support network of people who love and care about me.

All I can say is that I hope Rhonda can work her NLP magic on you because you're gonna need a lot of help if you have any decency left in you.

That's all I have to say at this point.

Amanda
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Light Emerging

Here I am on the other side. I made it. I made it through another storm.

Instead of dusting off my shoes I feel like there are lawnchairs, houses and other large debris I'm dusting off from my energy field. It was like a mad hurricane this time.

I feel in many ways this process I go through is like an endurance test. I hope that one day I will have developed a stronger heart so that the twists, turns and the road uphill is much easier on my breath and lungs.

So, I was going to write awhile ago about what moved me into the light but I was too busy enjoying the calm :)

Two things come to mind that really helped:

I started participating in the new support group, Soul Speak, that I found on Meetup.com. I've been to a childhood sexual abuse survivors support group before but this time it's different. Perhaps it's because I'm more ready this time but it felt less clinical, more relaxed and I met some fantastic people and even made an Indigo connection with the facilitator. Furthermore, I had a dream about the very location that it's being held at. It's in a couch house that has been home to many survivors, including young children. The place feels magical, nurturing and safe.

Before this happened, I had a few 'aha' moments, which propelled me out of the darkness. I did something kind for someone at work (and I've had these hunches before about being of service when it gets really dark), it quickly moved me from being a victim to being of service and getting me out of my story.  Not only does it get me out of my story but it allows me to drop into the zone of being on purpose to help and heal others.

I was also revisiting some material on the notion of radical forgiveness - moving from self-hatred (guilt/fear/shame) to that of self-acceptence. The feeling of being guilty, that I did something horribly wrong felt more close to the surface than ever. Colin's teachings assured me that the feelings of self-hatred is something that everyone feels on some level. It reminded me that yes, I'm an Indigo and yes, I feel everything that everyone else feels but ten times more strongly. Everything gets exhaggerated and is seemingly harder because I'm aware, I'm awake. Anyhoo, I completed an online course through Colin Tipping's website - radicalforgiveness.com, and came through feeling like I understood what was going on a more logical level and that I had the tools to get through it.

Touching on my last post, I said that nature heals.. . all summer I've been communing with nature, going to parks, camping, feeling close to my boyfriend, playing with frogs (which is one of my power animals that really excites my inner child). Nature and being in the water and connecting back with the earth has really grounded, cleansed and given me hope that things will get better. Nature heals like no other. I am so grateful for that.

In addition here are some other positives that I've experienced over the duration of the summer that I feel I should celebrate:

- I've been meditating every day. I understand the importance of this for me, since being an Indigo and having PTSD, I really struggle with grounding and keeping my attention focused. There's a quote that really spoke to me to my Indigo-ness and how I really need to feed and nurture this spirit through high vibrational activities:

"If you bring forth what is within you, what you will bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth with destroy you". 

This is a powerful quote for me that perhaps in a later blog entry I can touch on.

- I've been sleeping like a baby -  virtually no insomnia. This is unbelievable. It plagued me for so long. Years. I attribute this to being held at night by my boyfriend and not being so afraid to go to sleep since he stays with me most nights. I hope that when he's not around these fantastic sleep patterns carry through.

- This is a bit personal to share but such a milestone: I've experienced absolutely no body memories or flashbacks when being intimate with my boyfriend - NONE! This is momumental. I didn't think I'd ever get to experience pure pleasure, respect and free from such dark feelings. I am so very thrilled about this, I could leap or do hand farts. My inner being yells YES, YES, YES to pleasure, happy feelings and loving my body :). Thank you!!!!

-I've cut down on both medications: Albeit superficial reasons maybe. I gained a whooping 20 pounds since being on medication this past year and it was really distressing. I also felt since talking with my therapist that perhaps the feelings I was moving through so strongly were meant to be felt instead of me needing to take more medication. My psychiatrist already wanted me to wean off the Seroquel so I decided to start that process and while I was at it to reduce my depression/anxiety meds as well.

- I've decided to take a break from therapy for the first time in 13 years: again another huge change. I need to get out and enjoy life more. Do FUN things and use my money to buy things I need instead of spending so much money on therapy all the time. Now that I'm getting older buying a house and other things are on my mind. Some day I'd even like to drive a car instead of forking out money for healing. So yeah, practical life things.

I wanted to outline these positives so that I can remember that things really are changing! That I am evolving, growing and getting stronger. I am getting through this mess.

It's so hard to see the changes when the light is so dim or when you're smack dab in the middle of the muck.
Writing always helps to solidify and reflect and to see  more clearly just what's really happening. It brings such great gounding and clarity. My inner self continues to urge me to write. I keep getting the message so thus I will listen.

Remarkable progress considering that a month ago I felt like all that I was experiencing would consume me.

I'm giving myself a big pat on the back today :)

Nature Heals

I need an outlet.

I'm going crazy inside. Twisted, tight, a murmur of rage...

I didn't go to work today.  Going to work is getting harder and harder. It's even harder to work or do basic things - like shower, clean the house, dishes.

I tried to go to Kundalini yoga class last night but ended up feeling too sick to go. Belly was upset, body
ached and had a headache all day. I cursed myself again for being so sensitive and for not being able to honor my word and go to class.

I layed in bed all day numbing on the internet and watching TV.  Only got up to eat and pee.

I dream of moving away to another continent, travelling and saying goodbye to everything I know.
I wish I could escape all this pain, leave my job and forgot it all.

Brett and I went camping over the weekend. We swam in the glorious healing waters and communed with nature. It dulled the pain. I felt a semblance of joy. A hint of peace.

Then it all came flooding back yesterday...

I start a new survivor's support group on Sunday. I don't know if it will hinder or help.
I fear it'll open another can of worms.

I really can't take feeling any worse than this.

Understanding

I had reservations about seeing my therapist yesterday.  What the use?
I went nonetheless. I explained how I'd been in the deepest depression I've ever been in.

I asked a zillion questions, like why am I in the deep dark place after all my progress, what am I doing wrong, will I be like this forever, should I be taking more medication, is there something wrong with me?...

She was very understanding  of my situation and assured me that the road for many sexual abuse
survivors is long and arduous. She commended me on my committment to healing and that she honestly sees me getting through this. It felt so wonderful to be understood, to be validated. She's worked with many survivors who have gone through the same hell.

In my 12 years of therapy I've never been in this place of despair. Which makes me really question how much harder it's going to get if I still have so much healing left.

The feelings of guilt  and shame are really close to the surface. I feel like I'm inherantly bad and that I deserve to be punished. And when she asks me to visualize my hatred towards my father, to put accountability onto him, I can only internalize it. I'm not there yet. My little girl think it's her fault. I still think I am bad and I did something wrong.

We ended the session with her craddling me, soothing me and rubbing my back. It was exactly what I needed.

When I got home I jumped in the bath. I usually need the evening to relax and process what happened but the guy I'm seeing surprised me with dinner plans. His friends were in town and he wanted to see them.

It was all a rush and when I got home, my therapy session hit me. I became disoriented, extremely nauses and all sweaty and lightheaded.

I ended lying in the bathroom then puking my guts up. I know what it was about. Old memories surfacing. Feelings of disgust, of deep pain.

It really freaked Brett out. Poor guy was completely naive to what was going on and how serious the whole thing is. He knows my situation but like most, he doesn't appreciate the extent of how it affects me mentallly, emotionally and physically. I had to explain that I was having body memories of my father and the deep pain associated with that.  It was a rough night for both of us but he came through it with more understanding of where I'm at and how he can play a role in supporting me.

Trapped

Things aren't good.

I'm in a pretty dark space. Have been for the last 6 weeks.

I came home from work today and went to bed again.  Depression seems to be taking over me.
As I sit here and write all I can feel is deep hatred in my body. My skin is tight and crawling.
I want to hurt myself to make the pain stop. I feel trapped inside my body - trapped by my despair,  my rage, my hatred. I can't breathe. Overwhelm.

I don't know how to make it stop.  I tried to have a bath but couldn't relax. Couldn't let go.

I got out and thought that maybe writing it down might help.

Ultimately, I feel like walking death.  Why would God do this to me?

Why can't I go back to the spirit world, where there is no pain.

Maybe I'm sick beyond repair. I thought that I was getting better, but...

I'm not sure where to go next.

The thought of waking up tomorrow and doing another day like this kills me.

I hate my job. I hate myself and I hate God for letting it happen.

I have nothing else to say.

Progress

It's been almost a year since I wrote.

Alot of wonderful progress has happened.  I'm now on medication which has tremendously transformed my life. I ended up in the hospital after hitting a new rock bottom and have since been put on Seroquel for the flashbacks/insomnia and Celexa for the depression/anxiety.

I completed a 6-month time-limited therapy with a wonderful psychiatrist from the Women's College Trauma Program here in Toronto. I've balanced out and have developed great skills for coping with my symptoms. I still struggle quite a bit, but not living in crisis mode so much anymore.

I'm now seeing a new therapist which I'm quite pleased about. Back to my Bioenergetic roots. Her name is Carol Melnick and so far she's great! I'm truly happy to have found a therapist after 3 years of searching.
She says I carry alot of darkness. This is the reason I've come back to writing - to find another medium of expressing all this that I carry.

My anxiety is at bay but over the last 5 weeks, I've really struggled with depression. Feeling like a failure, very low energy, just want to sleep all day, poor concentration, unable to focus and feeling hopeless and joyless. I've learned that I have ups and downs and that nothing is static but this hopelessness and feeling like I'm never getting any better plagues me.

I've been drinking and having fun though as of late. And I finally met a guy that I enjoy being around.
Not sure if it'll be a long-term thing, but for now I"m having fun, which helps.

Yay for having fun!

Blood Clinic

I'm heading to the blood clinic to get an HIV test.

I've been dreading this and am scared shitless. I really feel like I'm sick and that I have it. So much bad has happened to me already and this would be the ultimate punishment from God.

I feel like I'm expecting it and that I already know I'm sick and that's what makes me really scared. I don't want my life to be over and die from getting AIDs.

I am so full of rage. So angry at the cards I've been dealt. These are my human feelings. My Higher Self could tell you a different story but it's in the background; I care barely hear that wise voice. This is bigger than me. When feelings like this are bigger than me I tell my therapist that no amount of detachment, mindfulness, 'stepping beyond my story' works.

I need to release the core wound, which is that I'm sick and that I'm dying. That my book is sick from the sexual abuse. I feel tainted and disgusting. It's as if I'm walking around rotting, dying, sick and gross.