Understanding

I had reservations about seeing my therapist yesterday.  What the use?
I went nonetheless. I explained how I'd been in the deepest depression I've ever been in.

I asked a zillion questions, like why am I in the deep dark place after all my progress, what am I doing wrong, will I be like this forever, should I be taking more medication, is there something wrong with me?...

She was very understanding  of my situation and assured me that the road for many sexual abuse
survivors is long and arduous. She commended me on my committment to healing and that she honestly sees me getting through this. It felt so wonderful to be understood, to be validated. She's worked with many survivors who have gone through the same hell.

In my 12 years of therapy I've never been in this place of despair. Which makes me really question how much harder it's going to get if I still have so much healing left.

The feelings of guilt  and shame are really close to the surface. I feel like I'm inherantly bad and that I deserve to be punished. And when she asks me to visualize my hatred towards my father, to put accountability onto him, I can only internalize it. I'm not there yet. My little girl think it's her fault. I still think I am bad and I did something wrong.

We ended the session with her craddling me, soothing me and rubbing my back. It was exactly what I needed.

When I got home I jumped in the bath. I usually need the evening to relax and process what happened but the guy I'm seeing surprised me with dinner plans. His friends were in town and he wanted to see them.

It was all a rush and when I got home, my therapy session hit me. I became disoriented, extremely nauses and all sweaty and lightheaded.

I ended lying in the bathroom then puking my guts up. I know what it was about. Old memories surfacing. Feelings of disgust, of deep pain.

It really freaked Brett out. Poor guy was completely naive to what was going on and how serious the whole thing is. He knows my situation but like most, he doesn't appreciate the extent of how it affects me mentallly, emotionally and physically. I had to explain that I was having body memories of my father and the deep pain associated with that.  It was a rough night for both of us but he came through it with more understanding of where I'm at and how he can play a role in supporting me.