An Open Letter to My Father

It's been almost a year since I confronted my father about the abuse.  It must be on my mind because I dreamt about confronting him in person just two nights ago.  He had this stupid smirk on his face. I wonder how'd he react today. Would I be able to see the truth in his eyes?

From: Amanda Clarke [mailto:ravergrll@hotmail.com] 
Sent: November-18-09 9:04 PM
Subject:

The time has come. 

Tell me, do you even have any idea the hell I've gone through? Really though, aren't you a wee bit curious as to why you haven't spoke to your daughter in over 7 years? No? 
Well let me tell u this:
I have been in therapy for over 1O years. Non stop. Weekly then bi weekly then weekly. Whatever I could afford. Thousands and thousands of dollars spent and thousands more I'm sure. I've seen 6 therapists and have had countless people work on me over the years and now at the age of 31 and after ending up at the psyciatric hospital, I'm now seeing a psychiatrist weekly at a trauma treatment cente in Toronto. I'm on antipsychotics, anti anxiety and anti depression meds. 

How about living in hell from body memories, rage, helplessness, intense grief, illness, body pain, debilitating insomnia, crippling fear, anxiety and depression. Suicidal, struggling with the hellish world of drugs, alcohol, addictions.
Binging and puking and doing it all over again. Not being able to eat, daily nausea., discugsting vile feelings...

I can't even begin to express the torment I have gone through bexause of you. Hundreds of journals I have written in, pictures I have drawn that depict years and years and years, of pain, suffering and self descruction. Where we you when I was puking my guts up in disgust? Where were you when I was an outpatient at the abbey lane hospital fighting my way through life? Trying to be intimate with a man? Forget about it. Flashbacks and more flashbacks. Did you think I would forget you coming into my room at night? Your sneaky, gross and manipulative ways! What the hell were you thinking? I was just a little girl. I just want to fucking vomit.

Did he or didn't he? Did he or didn't he?There is no running from this anymore. No more denying the truth.

For the first time in 20 years, I can now say my life is getting better. Talking about the abuse, being on medication is allowing me to have a somewhat normal life. And I have a wonderful support network of people who love and care about me.

All I can say is that I hope Rhonda can work her NLP magic on you because you're gonna need a lot of help if you have any decency left in you.

That's all I have to say at this point.

Amanda
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network