Blood Clinic

I'm heading to the blood clinic to get an HIV test.

I've been dreading this and am scared shitless. I really feel like I'm sick and that I have it. So much bad has happened to me already and this would be the ultimate punishment from God.

I feel like I'm expecting it and that I already know I'm sick and that's what makes me really scared. I don't want my life to be over and die from getting AIDs.

I am so full of rage. So angry at the cards I've been dealt. These are my human feelings. My Higher Self could tell you a different story but it's in the background; I care barely hear that wise voice. This is bigger than me. When feelings like this are bigger than me I tell my therapist that no amount of detachment, mindfulness, 'stepping beyond my story' works.

I need to release the core wound, which is that I'm sick and that I'm dying. That my book is sick from the sexual abuse. I feel tainted and disgusting. It's as if I'm walking around rotting, dying, sick and gross.