I need an outlet.
I'm going crazy inside. Twisted, tight, a murmur of rage...
I didn't go to work today. Going to work is getting harder and harder. It's even harder to work or do basic things - like shower, clean the house, dishes.
I tried to go to Kundalini yoga class last night but ended up feeling too sick to go. Belly was upset, body
ached and had a headache all day. I cursed myself again for being so sensitive and for not being able to honor my word and go to class.
I layed in bed all day numbing on the internet and watching TV. Only got up to eat and pee.
I dream of moving away to another continent, travelling and saying goodbye to everything I know.
I wish I could escape all this pain, leave my job and forgot it all.
Brett and I went camping over the weekend. We swam in the glorious healing waters and communed with nature. It dulled the pain. I felt a semblance of joy. A hint of peace.
Then it all came flooding back yesterday...
I start a new survivor's support group on Sunday. I don't know if it will hinder or help.
I fear it'll open another can of worms.
I really can't take feeling any worse than this.
I read all of your posts: despite the darkness described, your words are beautiful and reach out to touch the hearts of those that would otherwise have no sense of the lasting pain inflicted on an innocent child. I see your strength shining through the darkness. Best wishes.
ReplyDeleteYes, absolutely agree with beyogi!
ReplyDeleteThis is the dark side of life that all of us feel in some degree at some time, it need not be hidden from society.
Amanda, you are very brave for sending this out for the world to see.
Your words hit my soul and made me pause the mediocre day to day thoughts. I have never felt a person so strongly just by reading a few paragraphs of their thoughts.
I hope you keep writing.
Thank you both for such encouraging comments.
ReplyDeleteIt's been months since I've been on here and am only now getting to these comments. I hope to keep up with my writing.