Hit by a Truck

Woke up this morning feeling like a truck hit me.

Everything hurt - achey, fatigued, irritable and angry. Can't breathe. Did not want to be in my body.

I knew I had time to kill before I left for work so I decided to hit the yoga mat. I NEEDED to hit the yoga mat. After group I always find the next couple days I need a release. I couldn't wait for therapy on Thursday I needed it now.

I did the usual. Put pillows down and starting kicking my feet, saying no.

The grief comes. "I can't breathe". "I feel stuck in my body". I'm so small.

"I want my mommy". More grief comes. It's tight and overwhelming and hurts my chest.

This grieving/crying/kicking lasts about 20 min. I cough and hack and struggle to breathe and let out whatever needs to come out.

Feel a little better. Time for work. *sigh* Wanna just stay home. Feel weak in my body. I look at my limbs - they're so huge compared to how small I feel.

I wait for the bus and pray that I don't cry or break down at work. I remind Little Amanda that Big is here for her. That I am protecting her. Then maybe I won't feel so vulnerable and small throughout the day.