Flashbacks and Overwhelm

Today is worse.

Didn't go to work. Was up all last night with flashbacks. I resisted going to bed. Finally at 11am I go to bed and realize it's going to be a night of insomnia. The fear begins very subtlely then in an hour or so escalates. It gets thicker like a huge blanket on top of my body. I feel it mostly in my legs. I lay there for 6 hours hoping it'll go away. I tell myself they are only memories and that I'm safe and okay. It doesn't help. I try again and again. It doesn't help. I become frozen with terror. At 4am I realize I can't go to work. I'm so dreadfully tied but can't sleep. I'm too frightened. I put the T.V. on and it helps. So does updating my status on Facebook and talking to a few friends, who strangely are up late.

Today is a giant overwhelm of not wanting to be in my body. It always get worse when I'm going to start my period.

My stomach is huge and in alot of pain. I feel disgusting, fat, gross and all wrong. I have a bath which helps me get out of my body.

The overwhelm heightens and I end up crying my guts up and wanting my "mommy". I feel so tiny, vulnerable, scared and alone. I just want this to end. When will it all end?

I'm angry at God that I'm here in Toronto with no boyfriend, friends or family to hold me or help me through it.

I've chosen to be here but only because it feels right. It's not fair the way things are 'set up'. It's not fair. I have therapy today but feel like even she can't help me. I'll just lay there stuck in my body and feel overwhelmed and alone.