Nature Heals

I need an outlet.

I'm going crazy inside. Twisted, tight, a murmur of rage...

I didn't go to work today.  Going to work is getting harder and harder. It's even harder to work or do basic things - like shower, clean the house, dishes.

I tried to go to Kundalini yoga class last night but ended up feeling too sick to go. Belly was upset, body
ached and had a headache all day. I cursed myself again for being so sensitive and for not being able to honor my word and go to class.

I layed in bed all day numbing on the internet and watching TV.  Only got up to eat and pee.

I dream of moving away to another continent, travelling and saying goodbye to everything I know.
I wish I could escape all this pain, leave my job and forgot it all.

Brett and I went camping over the weekend. We swam in the glorious healing waters and communed with nature. It dulled the pain. I felt a semblance of joy. A hint of peace.

Then it all came flooding back yesterday...

I start a new survivor's support group on Sunday. I don't know if it will hinder or help.
I fear it'll open another can of worms.

I really can't take feeling any worse than this.

Understanding

I had reservations about seeing my therapist yesterday.  What the use?
I went nonetheless. I explained how I'd been in the deepest depression I've ever been in.

I asked a zillion questions, like why am I in the deep dark place after all my progress, what am I doing wrong, will I be like this forever, should I be taking more medication, is there something wrong with me?...

She was very understanding  of my situation and assured me that the road for many sexual abuse
survivors is long and arduous. She commended me on my committment to healing and that she honestly sees me getting through this. It felt so wonderful to be understood, to be validated. She's worked with many survivors who have gone through the same hell.

In my 12 years of therapy I've never been in this place of despair. Which makes me really question how much harder it's going to get if I still have so much healing left.

The feelings of guilt  and shame are really close to the surface. I feel like I'm inherantly bad and that I deserve to be punished. And when she asks me to visualize my hatred towards my father, to put accountability onto him, I can only internalize it. I'm not there yet. My little girl think it's her fault. I still think I am bad and I did something wrong.

We ended the session with her craddling me, soothing me and rubbing my back. It was exactly what I needed.

When I got home I jumped in the bath. I usually need the evening to relax and process what happened but the guy I'm seeing surprised me with dinner plans. His friends were in town and he wanted to see them.

It was all a rush and when I got home, my therapy session hit me. I became disoriented, extremely nauses and all sweaty and lightheaded.

I ended lying in the bathroom then puking my guts up. I know what it was about. Old memories surfacing. Feelings of disgust, of deep pain.

It really freaked Brett out. Poor guy was completely naive to what was going on and how serious the whole thing is. He knows my situation but like most, he doesn't appreciate the extent of how it affects me mentallly, emotionally and physically. I had to explain that I was having body memories of my father and the deep pain associated with that.  It was a rough night for both of us but he came through it with more understanding of where I'm at and how he can play a role in supporting me.

Trapped

Things aren't good.

I'm in a pretty dark space. Have been for the last 6 weeks.

I came home from work today and went to bed again.  Depression seems to be taking over me.
As I sit here and write all I can feel is deep hatred in my body. My skin is tight and crawling.
I want to hurt myself to make the pain stop. I feel trapped inside my body - trapped by my despair,  my rage, my hatred. I can't breathe. Overwhelm.

I don't know how to make it stop.  I tried to have a bath but couldn't relax. Couldn't let go.

I got out and thought that maybe writing it down might help.

Ultimately, I feel like walking death.  Why would God do this to me?

Why can't I go back to the spirit world, where there is no pain.

Maybe I'm sick beyond repair. I thought that I was getting better, but...

I'm not sure where to go next.

The thought of waking up tomorrow and doing another day like this kills me.

I hate my job. I hate myself and I hate God for letting it happen.

I have nothing else to say.

Progress

It's been almost a year since I wrote.

Alot of wonderful progress has happened.  I'm now on medication which has tremendously transformed my life. I ended up in the hospital after hitting a new rock bottom and have since been put on Seroquel for the flashbacks/insomnia and Celexa for the depression/anxiety.

I completed a 6-month time-limited therapy with a wonderful psychiatrist from the Women's College Trauma Program here in Toronto. I've balanced out and have developed great skills for coping with my symptoms. I still struggle quite a bit, but not living in crisis mode so much anymore.

I'm now seeing a new therapist which I'm quite pleased about. Back to my Bioenergetic roots. Her name is Carol Melnick and so far she's great! I'm truly happy to have found a therapist after 3 years of searching.
She says I carry alot of darkness. This is the reason I've come back to writing - to find another medium of expressing all this that I carry.

My anxiety is at bay but over the last 5 weeks, I've really struggled with depression. Feeling like a failure, very low energy, just want to sleep all day, poor concentration, unable to focus and feeling hopeless and joyless. I've learned that I have ups and downs and that nothing is static but this hopelessness and feeling like I'm never getting any better plagues me.

I've been drinking and having fun though as of late. And I finally met a guy that I enjoy being around.
Not sure if it'll be a long-term thing, but for now I"m having fun, which helps.

Yay for having fun!