Blood Clinic

I'm heading to the blood clinic to get an HIV test.

I've been dreading this and am scared shitless. I really feel like I'm sick and that I have it. So much bad has happened to me already and this would be the ultimate punishment from God.

I feel like I'm expecting it and that I already know I'm sick and that's what makes me really scared. I don't want my life to be over and die from getting AIDs.

I am so full of rage. So angry at the cards I've been dealt. These are my human feelings. My Higher Self could tell you a different story but it's in the background; I care barely hear that wise voice. This is bigger than me. When feelings like this are bigger than me I tell my therapist that no amount of detachment, mindfulness, 'stepping beyond my story' works.

I need to release the core wound, which is that I'm sick and that I'm dying. That my book is sick from the sexual abuse. I feel tainted and disgusting. It's as if I'm walking around rotting, dying, sick and gross.

Flashbacks and Overwhelm

Today is worse.

Didn't go to work. Was up all last night with flashbacks. I resisted going to bed. Finally at 11am I go to bed and realize it's going to be a night of insomnia. The fear begins very subtlely then in an hour or so escalates. It gets thicker like a huge blanket on top of my body. I feel it mostly in my legs. I lay there for 6 hours hoping it'll go away. I tell myself they are only memories and that I'm safe and okay. It doesn't help. I try again and again. It doesn't help. I become frozen with terror. At 4am I realize I can't go to work. I'm so dreadfully tied but can't sleep. I'm too frightened. I put the T.V. on and it helps. So does updating my status on Facebook and talking to a few friends, who strangely are up late.

Today is a giant overwhelm of not wanting to be in my body. It always get worse when I'm going to start my period.

My stomach is huge and in alot of pain. I feel disgusting, fat, gross and all wrong. I have a bath which helps me get out of my body.

The overwhelm heightens and I end up crying my guts up and wanting my "mommy". I feel so tiny, vulnerable, scared and alone. I just want this to end. When will it all end?

I'm angry at God that I'm here in Toronto with no boyfriend, friends or family to hold me or help me through it.

I've chosen to be here but only because it feels right. It's not fair the way things are 'set up'. It's not fair. I have therapy today but feel like even she can't help me. I'll just lay there stuck in my body and feel overwhelmed and alone.

Hit by a Truck

Woke up this morning feeling like a truck hit me.

Everything hurt - achey, fatigued, irritable and angry. Can't breathe. Did not want to be in my body.

I knew I had time to kill before I left for work so I decided to hit the yoga mat. I NEEDED to hit the yoga mat. After group I always find the next couple days I need a release. I couldn't wait for therapy on Thursday I needed it now.

I did the usual. Put pillows down and starting kicking my feet, saying no.

The grief comes. "I can't breathe". "I feel stuck in my body". I'm so small.

"I want my mommy". More grief comes. It's tight and overwhelming and hurts my chest.

This grieving/crying/kicking lasts about 20 min. I cough and hack and struggle to breathe and let out whatever needs to come out.

Feel a little better. Time for work. *sigh* Wanna just stay home. Feel weak in my body. I look at my limbs - they're so huge compared to how small I feel.

I wait for the bus and pray that I don't cry or break down at work. I remind Little Amanda that Big is here for her. That I am protecting her. Then maybe I won't feel so vulnerable and small throughout the day.